However, it made me realise that our "£10 billion Story" could easily be mistaken to be in the "Compensation Culture" category - it certainly involves lawyers and it could involve compensation for things like selling a house too early. But if you think about it, the topic is more about not giving money away from "the family" to "the local authority". Maybe some NHS Managers, or their spin docters, will try and deflect attention on our main story by pushing it into the same category as claims for mal-practice, etc. That's another story, including issues of how NHS staff are having their valuable time wasted by "lawyers" wishing to hide relevant evidence: more on this in future, perhaps. Right now we wish to focus on the main story of people selling their homes to pay for nursing care.
I'm sure many of you, like me, have a natural suspicion of lawyers - maybe even a dislike similar to that of estate agents :-) In my case it is the idea of paying someone to write a few letters, rather than paying them on results. Even "No Win No Fee" business seems to be tainted with dishonest cowboys trying to fabricate claims.
However, even lawyers deserve our love - particularly at Christmas, and if it were not for them we would have to admit, grudgingly, that the world could be an even more dangerous place.
Most of my jokes about lawyers, emailed to me over the years, are not suitable for family viewing. If you know a good one that you would not mind your grand children reading, please email it to me on firstname.lastname@example.org , and I may put it up here. Please don't email me any other category of joke - I get quite enough email already thanks :-)
Here is one that may appeal to you, although it is not really a joke. I am informed it is based upon the transcript of a trial in the States, where the doctor was called in as an expert witness:
The lawyer is examining a doctor who is testifying:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
"Did you check for breathing?"
"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
A lawyer goes into a Spanish bar and asks for a pint of bitter, the barman
replies "por favor ?".
The lawyer replies, "you can pour for as many as you like but i'm only paying for one".
A lawyer boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane and realised she was heading straight towards him and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States" He swallowed hard .. here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen - sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at this convention business or pleasure?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
Why do the nice cars owned by lawyers and NHS Consultants have the windscreen wipers on the INSIDE of the windscreen ?
The answer is here
Question: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer?
Answer: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.
"This is a true story and was the First Place winner in a recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest".
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stock pile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with it).
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART.......
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in a recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA and some people still believe they went to the moon!
It was reported in the scientific press recently that lawyers are being used instead of rats for experiments, and 3 reasons were quoted. Easier to get hold of as there are far more lawyers than rats. There is far less public concern about the moral and cruelty issues, and there are some things that even rats will not do.
This one is from an American friend. Please excuse the colourful language.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that over the years his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens." The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
"The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs."
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Once upon a time, a blonde nurse became so sick of hearing blonde jokes from the doctors, that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The nurse thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was,
amazed, and exclaimed,
"You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The nurse carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and
"O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
How To Clean A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Benign......................... What you be, after
you be eight.
Artery.......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema.........................Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.......................... A small lie.
Genital........................ Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.................... Hiding something.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.........................One plus one more.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.....................Near by/close by
A famous 'spin doctor' found himself 'unexpectedly terminated by his server' and arrived outside the pearly gates only to find that his name was not on the list, due to a software glitch. "Perhaps you've got the wrong url" said St. Peter. "Try another domain". I will" said the SD, "I know just where I'll be welcome" so he decended the steps to another place where the Devil himself awaited him with open arms "Sit down, me boy - make yourself at home" said the Devil. Well the SD settled in very well and was very comfortable down there - it really was a true home from home. But after a while he started to see that some improvements were needed - all the hot air could be put to far better use, and there were too many steps to climb. So he installed air conditioning and put in escalators, had the place redocorated, put in 24 hour sleeze bars staffed by plenty of topless dancers, with continuous wall-to-wall stripshows. Well, the result was an endless queue of men trying to get in at the front door, whilst round the back there were hoards of gorgeous girls clamouring for jobs! St. Peter was very miffed at all this - afterall, he had organised a steady supply of his own spin doctors to ensure a stream of sinners arriving at his gates, all begging forgiveness! Now all he was getting were a few nuns, priests and assorted 'do-gooders - all complaining they should not be kept waiting as they had been promised instant salvation - and many of them gave up and took the 'down' escalator to find out what they had missed. So St. Peter went and told God what was happening - who was naturally not best pleased. "It's all because of that new spin doctor they've got down there - he should have been one of ours but the Devil grabbed him first" God was incensed "I'll go and see about this" he said. and banged on the Devils front door. "Oh! so you've finally decided that my way is more fun" said the Devil. "Not a bit of it" said God, " You've got a spin doctor down there who is rightfully mine - and I want you to hand him over - now" "No chance" said the Devil - "he's worked wonders with this place, we've never been so busy" God was livid - " He's mine" he thundered, "You'll not get away with this - I'll - I'll sue you out of existance!" "Really" said the Devil - and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
These were taken from www.mustsharejokes.com with thanks ...
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what's your final question?"
What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start.
What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi are marooned on a desert island surrounded by man-eating sharks. After a while their food and water run out and they are in danger of death.
Just then an otherwise empty rowboat containing a large barrel of water comes floating by. The three castaways are in agony - they must have the water, but to swim through the hungry sharks is certain death.
The lawyer says he will try it - the others beg him not to, saying "It's hopeless".
The lawyer swims out to the boat, grasps the painter rope in his teeth and tows it back to shore.
The sharks completely ignore him. When he gets back to shore they all begin talking at once:
PRIEST: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!.
LAWYER: That was no miracle.
RABBI: Well, what do you call it?
LAWYER: Where I come from, we call that "professional courtesy".
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
"Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"Do you know which ward she is in?"
"Yes, ward P, room 2B"
"I'll just put you through to the nurse station."
"Hello, ward P, how can I help?"
"I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?"
"I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow."
"Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!"
"You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?"
"No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f*** all in here".
A contractor dies. At heavens door he is told that he shouldn't be there and that he will be sent to hell. Then when in hell Satan askes what the man can do for him. In a few years there is indoor plumbing, insulation, airconditioning and much more. St. peter asks calls satan to see what its like down there. Satan says its great now that we have your contractor. St. peter replies"you can't do that I'll sue!". Satan replies "o yea? where u gonna get a lawyer?"